If The Glove Fits

i recently bought some black batting gloves. they're cool but i always have to remind myself when i put them on...am i about to bat or murder someone?

you'd surprised how often the answer is murder someone. don't worry, i'm not stupid. i got a second pair that doesn't fit my hands.




Disclaimer: i am not really a murderer, the gloves i recently bought will only be used for baseball purposes and maybe petty theft. i can assure you no one will die at my hands. please don't have me as a suspect in any murder investigation. unless the murdered person is the lead singer of Creed. in which case i will be happy to take responsibility for that. just as long as it happens. good day to you, sir or madam.

Obama is President!

in case somehow you haven't heard. Obama won! and despite the desires of Jesse Jackson, he did with nuts intact. well played Mr. Barack.

i will leave you with an altered quote from Dr. Suess...

"and Ann Coulter's Adam's apple grew three sizes that night."

Now That Rocsi's on Board

i wasn't sure who i would vote for this year but since Rocsi from BET's video countdown show 106 and Park has thrown her endorsement behind Obama i believe my mind is made up.


take notes Colin Powell, this is how you endorse someone. in less than 20 seconds and on Bad Boy Records youtube channel.

shot, stabbed, and hit with a brick

i was pleasantly surprised by Comedy Central's Chocolate News. with stuff like this, you know i'll be watching.

I'm a PC

i'm a PC and i make really lame commercials just because my biggest competitor Mac made some really original commercials that a lot of people liked and now i'm jealous.

Better Than Voting

you know what the only thing better than the American people voting for the right candidate to lead our country for the next four years is?

knife fight.

Obama vs. Mccain. the one who doesn't bleed to death from stab wounds is leader of the free world.

say what you want, but people would tune in to see that on tv.

Ralph Nader Talks to a Parrot

this (other than Gravel's rock toss) is the oddest youtube video for a presidential candidate i've seen. i wondered what was so important that Nader couldn't find the time to accept my Myspace friend request...now i know, he had to talk to a Parrot named Cardozo....i can't understand why this guy doesn't get elected!?!?!?

enjoy.

My Hell

i just spent 3 1/2 hours helping my mom move all the stuff in her K-5 classroom to a different room at the school because she's changing grades to 1st grade. which as you can imagine is exactly how any 17 year old guy wants to spend his Saturday...getting up at 10 AM and helping move boxes for 3 1/2 hours. that's exactly what i was looking forward to all week during school. i'm so glad it became a reality.

next week i want to wake up at 7 AM and get shot in the face. possibly have a screwdriver shoved in my ear. or maybe even have a monkey bite off one of my testicles and roll it around in his mouth like Jollyrancher for a while. but i can only hope those plans don't fall through at this point. cross your fingers!!!

Ronald Mcdonald's Prayer

you know what Ronald Mcdonald prays for?

i'm thinking world peace, a sexy clown burger-lovin girlfriend, and fresher patties.

either that or that he won't wake up with the Burger King in his bed with a sandwich anymore...



either way i completely understand.

KANYE ATTACKS!

"Kanye attacks!"- that is actually on myspace right now, where you can click to see the "attack" video. since when is Kanye West breaking a camera categorized in the same as a tiger ripping someones face apart? how wide is the range of events that can be described as an attack?

is it like any thing from a musician or little known celebrity breaking any kind of photography equipment to a savage wolf pack attack that kills 1 to 200 people?

that's a wide range.

apparently me squashing the mosquito that was flying around my head earlier was a savage attack!

thank you myspace, you continue to teach me so much.

Text Messages With Jesus

i don't just pray to him, i text him. and this is just one of many interesting conversations via texting i've had with The Savior, Jesus Christ.

Jesus: sup
me: sup Jesus
Jesus: what u up 2? jk, i kno lol
me: ha yea what u doin?
Jesus: chillin'...dad's bein annoying
me: that sux
Jesus: ya i saw u today...nice shirt LOL!
me: wtf??
Jesus: jk rofl
me: stop playin' Jesus!
Jesus: k, i got 2 go.
me: cool later
Jesus: laterz!

Penguins To The Misrepresentation

i just finished reading the childrens book "Penguins to the Rescue" and i have to say... it was a load of crap. besides lacking a good plot and having poorly developed characters, i really feel like the whole book is a lie. the penguins in the book don't even rescue anyone! there's this baby seal that's lost from his mother and they jump around and entertain him until his mother comes back. how is that a rescue? that's not a rescue, that's distracting someone until they are rescued by someone else. there's a big difference!

next time i'm so bored that i'm willing to read a book originally intended for 3-6 year olds, i will definitely be avoiding all the books by this author. and if this is ever made into a movie i will not be going to the movie theater to see it. so don't even think about it Dreamworks!

man, disappointing childrens books really make me peeved!

The Only Labor Allowed Today...

... is people working to build a city on rock & roll!

whether you like this song or not(i'm guessing not, but who knows, people like Ashley Tisdale, so anythings possible), the video is filled with hilarious stuff like giant dice, a singing Abe Lincoln statue and much more. i can't stop watching it. it's the 80's at it's best and definitely worth a watch.

We Built This City (On Rock and Roll) - Starship

My Presidential Campaign

here is a little video i made back when the primary's were still going on and Hillary was still in the race and all that. i had to give up my presidential campaign but perhaps you would like to see some of my ideas that would have been put into place if i had ended up elected into office.



i know it kinda sucks there is only text and a song behind it but i don't own a camera. so sorry about all the reading.

Raising The Bar

a new show is premiering soon called Raising The Bar. starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar as a lawyer. that's right Zach Morris became a lawyer. he must have started paying attention in class or something.

that sounds cool and all, but what i'm really looking forward to is Lowering The Fatality starring Mr. Belding as a doctor who never gives up.


Mr. Belding: don't you die on me!!!! CLEAR!!!
*patient's heart beat returns*
Mr. Belding: it's all in a day's work...

Chuck Norris - Jesus' Ranger

did you know Chuck Norris is a Christian? yeah, i didn't either until i was randomly browsing his wikipedia page one day. it got me thinking though, what would Chuck Norris telling someone about Jesus be like? something tells me anyone who rejects his invitation to the faith is immediately roundhouse kicked into eternal salvation.

accept Jesus or accept the physical punishment from Chuck Norris. it's your choice.

The Earth Is Flat!

at least according to The Flat Earth Society it is. holy crap i can't believe this is an actual website. http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/forum/

some gems from their FAQ's include stuff like this:

Q: "Is this site for real?"

A: This site is real. There are people who seriously believe the Earth is flat. However, there are also people on this site who do not.

Q: "Why do the all the world Governments say the Earth is round?"

A: It's a conspiracy

Q: "Why doesn't water run off the Earth?"

A: There is a vast ice wall that keeps the water where it is. The ice wall is roughly 150ft high. This also explains why you can find a vast plane of ice when you travel south.

Q: "Why has no-one taken a photo of the Earth that proves it is flat?"

A: The government prevents people from getting close enough to the Ice Wall to take a picture.

Q: "How are the world governments organized enough to carry out this conspiracy?"

A: They only appear to be disorganized to make the conspiracy seem implausible.

Q: "What's underneath the Earth?" aka "What's on the bottom?" aka "What's on the other side?"

A: This is unknown. Some believe it to be just rocks, others believe the Earth rests on the back of four elephants and a turtle.

My News Rundown

surprisingly, these are all real news headlines from the previous 7 days or so (including some from today)


"Mom arrested for letting 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar"

in her defense, she was way too high on cocaine to safely drive to a bar. she was doing the responsible thing. who else but her 12 year old daughter was supposed to drive her there? sure, there was her gang leader, but he has things to do.

"Police officer faces 30 days in jail for pulling over a woman to give her his phone number"

Ma'am, do you know how fast you were driving through my heart?

"Police bust noisy preschool party"

an eye witness reports seeing one preschooler yell "it's the cops!" followed by most of the party goers fleeing on their tricycles.

"College Presidents call for lower drinking age"

college students call "woohooo!" and pass out.

Are You Ready To Rock?

i'm thinking of starting a band. i can't sing, i play no instrument, and in general have no musical talent. so i'm thinking i'll be heavily played on the radio and VH1.

my biggest issue at this point is coming up with an awesome name for my rock band. tell me what you think about the following band names i've come up with so far:

- Black Bunny Death Field
- We Cried During The Notebook
- Constipation
- The Band That Would Have Been Named The Police But It Turns Out There Has Already Been A Considerably Well Known Band By That Name
- Hey, We're Better Than Creed

my personal favorite is Constipation.
"Hello, we are Constipation. are you ready to rock Detroit?!!"

Sickness Explosion!

i'm not one to toot my own horn, but if that title doesn't get you a little bit interested in what i have to say than nothing will. so *toot toot* .


right now i'm feeling under the weather. i've had a headache all day. it feels like my head is going to explode into 20 pieces after which 10 pieces form back together again into a head half the size of my previous head and then re-attache itself to my body making me look like some kind of mutated disproportionate sea creature who devours kids at summer camp.

other than that my nose has leaked enough fluids in the last 12 hours to fill a swimming pool the size of the one in China that Michael Phelps keeps dominating in. and yes, people from other nations, i unneccesarily mentioned our domination in swimming in a post completely unrelated to that subject just because i wanted to rub your noses in it. i would apologize but the shine from Michael Phelps' gold medals is distracting me from caring about whether i'm being a jerk or not.



well to summarize my delusional rant: toot toot. i feel like crap. Michael Phelps is better than you.

Pure Action : Badminton

below is a clip from the 2004 Olympics, during a badminton game. (note: only watch if you can handle the excitement of badminton, those with high blood pressure are not advised to watch this clip, any deaths are not my responsibility)


some things i often find myself saying while i'm watching Olympic badminton on tv are:

-holy crap! this is exciting!

-i gotta pee, but i don't want to miss anything

-my eyes are not worthy!

-if the Americans don't win a medal, they shouldn't be let back in the country, badminton is too damn important!

-woooo!

2008 Olympic Pictures & Lesser Known Games

"we're gonna kill the teletubbies, hehehe!"



"hey look dad, ANOTHER asian person. where the hell are we?!"


i was watching some Olympic badminton late last night...i didn't even know that was an Olympic sport.

some more lesser known Olympic games you may not know about include:

-Naked Twister
-The Quiet Game (the second half of Penn and Teller is the reigning champion in this event)
-Russian Roulette (as you can imagine there is no bronze or silver medals in this event)

It's Always Sunny

if you don't watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, you're missing out on one of the funniest shows on tv.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

the new season (season 4) starts September 18 and i can't wait.

it's about 5 people who work and own a bar in philly. they're all basically horrible people. it's hilarious the messed up things they do.

The Rick Rolled Epidemic

i know most of the time i just joke around and post Mr. T videos on here, but if i could, i would like to take a moment and talk about something serious.

the Rick Rolled epidemic that is sweeping our country, nay, our planet.

it must be stopped, and that is only possible if we work together. if you have been, or know someone who has been Rick Rolled, you know how serious this is. and the long term effects it has on a person.

symptoms of being Rick Rolled include:
-sudden outburst
-depression
-and sometimes death(not usually)

but you don't have to go through being Rick Rolled, there are ways to prevent it from happening to you, like:
-don't click on links when you don't know for sure where they lead
-don't listen to your friends who are obviously buttholes when they assure you it's safe to click on that link
-use a condom...no, wait, that's the wrong cause. sorry.

i hope you are now fully informed, and i really hope Bono returns my call about doing a commercial/song about this worthy cause.

help stop this horrible epidemic, help save the world, don't get Rick Rolled. (now picture Bono saying that. it just sounds better coming from him, i know.)

I Need To See This Episode

i didn't watch the last season of 7th Heaven, mainly because i have far more important things to do with my life...like watch other tv shows that are better.

but judging by this plot summary from imdb.com i may have gravely missed out. it's the most confusing and wonderful plot summary i have ever read in my life.

"Nothing Says Lovin' Like Something From The Oven"

"Steven tries to reassure T-Bone there is no reason to move out, Ruthie doesn't hate him and her spending much time with Martin doesn't have to mean anything. Then a surprise takes priority: dentist Theodore Alan 'Al' Bonaducci rides on by Harley and assures T-bone 'junior' that was his nickname as a youngster, his ma just told him in Vegas he's the kid's father, alas 17 years too late and ma is an incurable liar... Dr. Jonathan Sanderson proposes to elated Sandy for marriage after her graduation in a year; she promises Lucy she can delay that now Kevin and she have decided to accept the Crossroads parish. Mac is in Margareth's kissing grace. Jane assures T-Bone that Martin is not into Ruthie but with her, yet Martin also accepts a serious talk with Sandy. Only when Ruthie hears T-Bone accepts to go away a whole summer with his dad, she tells her dad she hates their break-up..."

yeah, i will seriously end up buying the last season of 7th Heaven on dvd for as much money as it costs just to see this episode. something in my bones tells me it's worth it.

Would You Like Rape With That?

i've always like Burger King more than McDonald's but their commercials have really gotten creepy lately.




apparently the point of these commercials are to make you want to buy one of their burgers and make you think you might get raped by the Burger King at the same time. like killing two birds with one stone, in a disturbed, Jigsaw-like sense.



look i don't care if he gives me a sandwich when i wake up, if i find "The King", as he and local police authorities call him, in my bed when i wake up i will definitely not handle the situation as calmly as this man. in fact my reaction would probably involve a baseball bat from under my bed. sorry King you shoulda called first.

you wait BK one day you'll make a commercial where the King is watching some dude in the shower and then gives him a burger and you'll think it's fine. but the feeling we might get raped will overpower the feelings of wanting a burger and then that crackhead clown that drives a shoe car will win. one day Burger King, one day you'll go too far.

and don't think having him almost kill a construction worker wasn't pushing it.



i'm watching you Burger King.

If I Can't Trust Flavor Flav, Then Who?!

i was browsing through Flavor Flav's wikipedia page (yeah, just be glad you're not as bored as i am) and i found this.

"confirmed accounts say Flavor Flav was currently engaged before filming Flavor of Love Season Three, and only did it because he had already cashed the check given to him by VH1."

what? Flavor of Love 3 was a lie? if i can't trust Flavor Flav, then who out there can i trust?! what next, I Love New York isn't a search for a true long lasting relationship either? my trust has been broken and i don't know if i'll ever look at mankind the same way again.

and you know there's nothing that says "i'm committed to marrying you" like doing a reality show where you kiss 20+ women on national television...it's so romantic, i'm almost teary eyed.

oh and if you ever get the chance, do yourself a favor, and read Flavor Flav or Flavor of Love's wikipedia page. it has stuff like this.

"His favorite word to say is “wow”. In December of 1996, he was arrested for two pounds of marijuana."

wow indeed, Flav.

He's More Than Just a Musician, Folks

Mr. T is much more than just an amazing musician. he also has words of wisdom that aren't accompanied by song and dance, believe it or not.



here Mr. T tells kids at an apparent picnic in the park how to control their anger. it's part of his kids motivational video. "Be Somebody...Or Be Somebody's Fool"...which by the way i am still waiting for a sequel of, hollywood.

although, i think maybe his message about anger gets lost in this next video in which he slaps and throws a man out the window and then grows to an angry 400 feet to terrorize a group of people below.



former Clubber Lang reading poetry, Mr. T you are my hero.

Woman stabs herself during Wiccan ceremony

LEBANON, Ind. -" A woman accidentally stabbed herself in the foot with a 3-foot-long sword while performing a Wiccan good luck ritual at a cemetery in central Indiana.

Katherine Gunther, 36, of Lebanon, pierced her left foot with the sword while performing the rite at Oak Hill Cemetery, police said.

Gunther said she was performing the ceremony to give thanks for a recent run of good luck. The ceremony involves the use of candles, incense and driving swords into the ground during the full moon.

Gunther said was aiming to put the sword in the ground, but hit her foot instead.

"It wasn't the first time I performed the ritual, but it was the first time I put a sword through my foot," she said."

the irony is so thick in this story, it's making it very hard for me to breathe at the moment. i'm literally being suffocated by the irony in this story. although my suffocation may have something to do with the fact that i haven't stopped laughing for the past 15 minutes since i read this story.

sometimes real life is truly funnier than anything ever written.

Mr. T Sings....need i say more?

first Mr. T sings a song about mothers.

who knew Mr. T didn't like yo momma jokes? maybe he's just not good at them. and yes, i'm going to go buy a two seater bike as soon as possible so i can ride with my mom just like the people in this video at 2:15. it's the only way to truly enjoy bike riding with your mom.



then Mr. T serenades us with a song called "be somebody". if only i had seen this when i was a youngster, maybe i would be somebody, and skip on the beach like these kids.

i do envy these kids for getting to jog down the sidewalk with Mr. T. that's the sort of thing that changes a kids life forever.

God bless the person who thought Mr. T should sing (quite possibly Mr. T himself) and God bless youtube for these videos.

Civil War Conan O'Brien Look-Alike

"Marshall Twitchell was a soldier in the Civil War and later served for the freedman's bureau in Louisiana. Twitchell was born in Vermont in 1840, and lived there until he enlisted in the Union Army."

this is my new favorite picture in the world. haha. if i could get the rest of my family to agree, this would be our Christmas card this year.


"the confederate army has just won several battles, this doesn't seem like it's going to be as easy of a war as we thought. do you have anything to add, Twitchell?"

"keep cool my babies! we'll beat them eventually. i wasn't with a woman until i was 35 years old but eventually i got past that....haha, i was a nerd!" *knocks over wooden microphone* "this war will never air."

Space Chimps

don't worry people who made Space Chimps your movie only made, uh, 151 million dollars less than the Dark Knight this weekend at the box office.... what matters is you tried hard. and hey! you only made 3 million dollars less than Wall-E, a movie that's been out for 3 weeks already.

look at it this way Space Chimps you made way more money than all those movies that never got released because they never got past the written stage! that's something right?!

personally i'm looking forward to the sequal, that finishes in 9th at the box office and that even i won't see, because they'll probably release it during Spiderman 4's opening weekend.

Man Dresses as Simon Cowell...Sort Of

[July 16] "Calvin Morett, the 19-year-old from Saratoga Springs, N.Y., who dressed as a 6-foot-tall penis at his high school graduation, publicly apologized for the stunt. The apology was part of the judge's sentence after Morett pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct." ( via weirdnews.about.com)

i'm guessing this guy didn't have to dress up like a giant penis for everyone to know that he was one already.

i think we, as a people, need to stop this guy from having children. there's no kid in the world who deserves to grow up hearing about his dad dressing up like a giant genital for his high school graduation. it just has 'therapy' written all over it.

"I feel him all over you too Thelma"

this preacher really feels the holy spirit, and perhaps the effects of slight Tourettes.



i would love to see this guy order at a fast food place.

"i'd like a Whopper, WITH CHEESE!!!! a small coke AND FRENCH FRIES!!!!! i love burger king, GOD!!!!!!!!!!"

Let Dr. Crocker Heal The Pain

move over Dr. Phil. Chris Crocker has found the cure for depression and reaches a new level of disturbed in the process.

this clip may be over a year old, but i think advice like this is, well, timeless.

My Return

hello everyone i'm back, finally. i can't say that i had a really exciting time and i sure didn't get a tan...in Ohio. but i guess it was sort of nice to get a break from the norm.

no cable tv forced me to watching the only channel on grandma's tv that comes in clear, PBS. so i often found myself watching things like this



you should all be proud that i didn't stab myself in the eye with one of grandma's forks she probably bought sometime before 1958.

other than hours of PBS some other things i did include the following.

- i listened to a 30 minute conversation about trees...don't ask

- while i watched one of my relatives cats lick it's private area i had an epiphany about life

- found me and an 85 year old woman disagree on whether or not 8:30 is late at night or not

- i questioned the The Man In The Yellow Hat's monkey caretaking skills (he let Curious George build a tree house...yeah, that's smart)

- i listened to some where in the area of 750 of just over 800 hundred songs i have on my mp3 player...ahh, boredom

- i saw Mr. Rogers play miniature golf, you don't know how hilarious that truly was


anyway, my trip was...a trip. i'm glad to be back.

i'm excited about The Who Rock Honors on Vh1 tomorrow. should be awesome. until tomorrow listen to a classic Who song. until next time and...who are you?!

When We Vacation, We Vacation

after today i will be gone for two weeks on what i suppose my family calls a "vacation". we will be going to sunny, extravagant...Ohio? yeah.

a lot of people go to the beach or a ski resort for vacation. me and my family go to Ohio, the state that only matters during the presidential elections or when some crazy guy is shooting people on Ohio highways.

what do we do? we sit in my grandmother's house and do nothing. she has no cable tv, and just got air conditioning last year...maybe by 2020 she'll get a microwave! i can only hope...

other than sitting in her house wearing out our vocal cords trying to get a woman (who must be in some sort of protest against hearing aids) to hear half of the things we say, i don't know what we'll do...maybe we'll get into a heated debate again with Drew Carey as to whether Cleveland does or does not rock. Lord knows, last year that didn't end well. again sorry, Drew Carey, we didn't know grandma had a shiv on her.

the only great thing about my vacations to Ohio is my music. i spend hours listening to my favorite tunes. without it i might end up being the next crazy guy killing people on Ohio highways.

in fact, i think i'd like to leave you with a tune i've been listening to quite a bit lately. Wonderboy by Tenacious D. Rock on and enjoy.

"They're Out There Man"

a smart young man, who i'm sure has never done drugs in his life, gives his opinion of UFO's.



"right, there is no proof. but there's no proof of Jesus or you know, people going to the restroom until they tell you about it."

"they could be made of water"

i feel so good about the future of this country.

Why Yes, I am an Optimistic Person!

This is what happens when you have a bad day, some free time, and a youtube account.

Changes....Dear Changes

hello all, maybe you noticed i made some changes to my blog recently (the name, address url, etc.) but i like it now and won't (most likely) be making anymore changes anytime soon.

sorry to my 1 subscriber who i think i lost due to the changes. i'm sure their life is now shattered. if we ever cross paths again, i promise i'll pay for all the therapy.

What Can Google Images Do For You?

i just spent a considerable amount of my life looking at monkey pictures on Google Images....and it was worth it.



is it sad that i looked through 9 pages of monkey pictures just because i wanted to? and that i spent close to 15 minutes on just that? maybe, but i have no regrets. i giggled like a schoolgirl on every page.

until next time my primate picture enthusiasts.

Shaq + Microphone = The Greatest Rapper of All Time

apparently shaq had something to say to his old teammate Kobe Bryant about him losing the NBA Finals...and also mentions his, i'm sure, massive buttocks numerous times in the process.



ok, so his freestyle rapping isn't the greatest or the most gangsta or even really that smart, but don't worry about him he's still got street cred left over from the movie "Kazaam".



and also all the serious rap respect i'm sure he gained from appearing in this commercial where he is riding perhaps the strongest horse that ever lived.



so don't worry people Shaq doesn't have to spit fire every time he touches the mic, all he has to do is live off his previous work that has gained him much respect on the streets as a serious rapper.

i'm sure Shaq will go down with Tupac and Snoop Dogg as one of the greatest of all time.

word.

until next time my 300 pound basketball player turned rapper freestyle fans.

My To Do List

my to do list for today:

-go to trial, blame everything on Colonel Mustard in the Library with the candlestick

-hope there is actually a guy out there named Mustard, who is a Colonel...and has a history of killing people with candlesticks

-google my name, then cry

-involuntarily listen to Bubbly by Colbie Caillat for the 10 millionth time

-murder whoever decided to put I Love New York and Flavor of Love on the air instead of music on VH1

-wipe blood from knife

-again blame Colonel Mustard, that poor man

-check my facebook

-find Waldo, and kick him in the face

-sign up for anger management classes


and that's just on a normal day, you don't wanna know what i do on holidays.

until next time friends.

Future Presidential Advice

i thought i would help whoever the future president of America will be by showing some things that they should and shouldn't do when they are elected, based on President Bush's time in office.

DO NOT give yourself nicknames like "The Decider". look if a regular guy like me can't call himself "The Pleasure Vessel" and get away with it, you can't call yourself that and expect us to just accept it.

DO take speech classes. it matters how good you sound. you're going to be talking at presidential speeches at the White House, not at your high school's pep rally.
"fool Jefferson High once shame on us, fool Jefferson High twice...well, you're not gonna fool us again."

DO NOT dance...ever. you're the President in Washington D.C. not doing a one-man show in Vegas. you should remind us of Abraham Lincoln, not Wayne Newton.

DO help people in flooded areas. because people can't live underwater. they don't have any fish parts, even if you may think so.
"hehe, it's ok, they've got gills."

DO NOT start an unpopular war...even if you really really super want to real bad.


well hopefully that will help when the new president is elected and in office. but i'm sure Obama/Mccain will find a whole new set of ways to screw over the American people.

ugh, until next time people.

The Weather Channel

I was watching The Weather Channel today(or as i think it should be called "The Holy Crap We're All Gonna Die Channel!")

I can barely watch The Weather Channel now. it's too scary and depressing. look, i know there's massive flooding in the midwest, earthquakes in the west, and hurricanes in the southeast, not to mention tornadoes in various areas, but uh, can't you tell me about that one 2-mile patch of sun in Utah where everything is ok and they're just happy and listening to Reggae music? because that doesn't make me pee my pants.

although, i appreciate that they show what time it is often on The Weather Channel. that way you'll know exactly what time it is when the world ends. you won't have to guess or anything!

seriously, though this channel has gotten very depressing and disturbing. i literally have to turn to Animal Planet and watch a wildebeest get it's head ripped off by a cheetah just get my mood up. if it gets any worse it may eclipse Lifetime as the most frightening channel on tv...(Golden Girls and The Nanny? yikes!)

maybe i should just turn the channel and stick with Spongebob Squarepants. he rarely touches on apocalyptic weather conditions. rarely.

but i can tell you this much i'm never spending money on Exlax again! i'll just watch 5 minutes of The Weather Channel from now on. why spend money when i've already got something that always makes me crap my pants for free?

until next time my friends.

When Will This Be Over Again? '08

something that's always in the news lately(and by lately i mean the past year and a half)is the presidential election race. it's not really a race, if it were it would be the longest most torturous race ever. now horse racing that's a race. in fact i think we should give each of the candidates names like they give the horses.

"Pants Suits Galore coming up in the polls, with a strong lead but oh, I'm Not Muslim You Idiots is coming on strong, and has now taken the lead. But wait here comes I Swear I'm Nothing Like George Bush, it's now I'm Not Muslim You Idiots and I Swear I'm Nothing Like George Bush running side by side to the finish line!"

how early the news media started covering the election was just ridiculous, they started talking about it like 1 and a half ago. and still today they act like we're voting tomorrow. it's like a special ed kid that gets really excited about Christmas way before Christmas is even close to happening.

"Yay! it's almost Christmas!"
"Timmy, it's June."

honestly at this point i'm just sick of having to hear about. i mean i care about who's president...well, i did 5 months ago. now i really don't care who is president i just want it to be over!

if Carrot Top was elected president all i'd have to say is, "Thank God that's over with."

hopefully next time the news won't cover the election so early and for so long.
or maybe i'll get hit by a bus before then...we can only dream, right?

until next time.

Night of The Lepus AKA The Best Movie Ever

I recently stumbled upon a movie that everyone should know about and take the time to watch. it's called "Night of the Lepus". it's a giant flesh-eating killer bunny movie. i know, all of those words fill me with excitement too.

it's from the 70's, so that makes it even more awesome. here's a clip that demonstrates how great the special effects are and how frightening this movie really is.


what i would like to know is who came up with killer bunnies and why? were killer puppies just not scary enough?

"we have to come up with something really frightening...how about giant killer kittens!"
"no, that's not scary enough...how about giant killer bunnies!"
"jackpot! who wouldn't be scared by that?!"

what's next? killer gerbils? perhaps flesh eating penguins?

ah, hollywood, you know us well. you have your finger on the pulse of american nightmares. how did you know i have had several giant killer bunny dreams over the years? all of which i woke up kicking and sreaming, in a cold sweat afterwards. it's like you read it right out of my diary.

I haven't seen this movie yet, but i'm dying to. i feel like i haven't truly lived yet, you can't without witnessing a man eating bunnies movie....you just can't. not when you know it actually exists.

i already know it's great, how could a movie like this not be awesome? when i do finally see it, perhaps i'll let you know if it truly is everything i hoped it to be.

until next time my friends and fellow poorly done 70's horror movie fans...until next time.

The Beginning of The End of The Cyber World

hello, this is my blog where i will share my opinions on current events and most likely random musings no one will really care about. but knowing how bored i usually am on the internet, i'm sure quite a few will read those musings anyway.

obviously if someone like me has his own blog then the internet is soon to meet it's demise. it will be missed. but hopefully it won't meet it's doom before i give my opinions on the election, the evil dictator that is Oprah, and what TV is like at 3 in the morning.

well that's about all i have to say for now.

until next time my bottom dwelling internet blog readers!