Would You Like Rape With That?

i've always like Burger King more than McDonald's but their commercials have really gotten creepy lately.




apparently the point of these commercials are to make you want to buy one of their burgers and make you think you might get raped by the Burger King at the same time. like killing two birds with one stone, in a disturbed, Jigsaw-like sense.



look i don't care if he gives me a sandwich when i wake up, if i find "The King", as he and local police authorities call him, in my bed when i wake up i will definitely not handle the situation as calmly as this man. in fact my reaction would probably involve a baseball bat from under my bed. sorry King you shoulda called first.

you wait BK one day you'll make a commercial where the King is watching some dude in the shower and then gives him a burger and you'll think it's fine. but the feeling we might get raped will overpower the feelings of wanting a burger and then that crackhead clown that drives a shoe car will win. one day Burger King, one day you'll go too far.

and don't think having him almost kill a construction worker wasn't pushing it.



i'm watching you Burger King.

If I Can't Trust Flavor Flav, Then Who?!

i was browsing through Flavor Flav's wikipedia page (yeah, just be glad you're not as bored as i am) and i found this.

"confirmed accounts say Flavor Flav was currently engaged before filming Flavor of Love Season Three, and only did it because he had already cashed the check given to him by VH1."

what? Flavor of Love 3 was a lie? if i can't trust Flavor Flav, then who out there can i trust?! what next, I Love New York isn't a search for a true long lasting relationship either? my trust has been broken and i don't know if i'll ever look at mankind the same way again.

and you know there's nothing that says "i'm committed to marrying you" like doing a reality show where you kiss 20+ women on national television...it's so romantic, i'm almost teary eyed.

oh and if you ever get the chance, do yourself a favor, and read Flavor Flav or Flavor of Love's wikipedia page. it has stuff like this.

"His favorite word to say is “wow”. In December of 1996, he was arrested for two pounds of marijuana."

wow indeed, Flav.

He's More Than Just a Musician, Folks

Mr. T is much more than just an amazing musician. he also has words of wisdom that aren't accompanied by song and dance, believe it or not.



here Mr. T tells kids at an apparent picnic in the park how to control their anger. it's part of his kids motivational video. "Be Somebody...Or Be Somebody's Fool"...which by the way i am still waiting for a sequel of, hollywood.

although, i think maybe his message about anger gets lost in this next video in which he slaps and throws a man out the window and then grows to an angry 400 feet to terrorize a group of people below.



former Clubber Lang reading poetry, Mr. T you are my hero.

Woman stabs herself during Wiccan ceremony

LEBANON, Ind. -" A woman accidentally stabbed herself in the foot with a 3-foot-long sword while performing a Wiccan good luck ritual at a cemetery in central Indiana.

Katherine Gunther, 36, of Lebanon, pierced her left foot with the sword while performing the rite at Oak Hill Cemetery, police said.

Gunther said she was performing the ceremony to give thanks for a recent run of good luck. The ceremony involves the use of candles, incense and driving swords into the ground during the full moon.

Gunther said was aiming to put the sword in the ground, but hit her foot instead.

"It wasn't the first time I performed the ritual, but it was the first time I put a sword through my foot," she said."

the irony is so thick in this story, it's making it very hard for me to breathe at the moment. i'm literally being suffocated by the irony in this story. although my suffocation may have something to do with the fact that i haven't stopped laughing for the past 15 minutes since i read this story.

sometimes real life is truly funnier than anything ever written.

Mr. T Sings....need i say more?

first Mr. T sings a song about mothers.

who knew Mr. T didn't like yo momma jokes? maybe he's just not good at them. and yes, i'm going to go buy a two seater bike as soon as possible so i can ride with my mom just like the people in this video at 2:15. it's the only way to truly enjoy bike riding with your mom.



then Mr. T serenades us with a song called "be somebody". if only i had seen this when i was a youngster, maybe i would be somebody, and skip on the beach like these kids.

i do envy these kids for getting to jog down the sidewalk with Mr. T. that's the sort of thing that changes a kids life forever.

God bless the person who thought Mr. T should sing (quite possibly Mr. T himself) and God bless youtube for these videos.

Civil War Conan O'Brien Look-Alike

"Marshall Twitchell was a soldier in the Civil War and later served for the freedman's bureau in Louisiana. Twitchell was born in Vermont in 1840, and lived there until he enlisted in the Union Army."

this is my new favorite picture in the world. haha. if i could get the rest of my family to agree, this would be our Christmas card this year.


"the confederate army has just won several battles, this doesn't seem like it's going to be as easy of a war as we thought. do you have anything to add, Twitchell?"

"keep cool my babies! we'll beat them eventually. i wasn't with a woman until i was 35 years old but eventually i got past that....haha, i was a nerd!" *knocks over wooden microphone* "this war will never air."

Space Chimps

don't worry people who made Space Chimps your movie only made, uh, 151 million dollars less than the Dark Knight this weekend at the box office.... what matters is you tried hard. and hey! you only made 3 million dollars less than Wall-E, a movie that's been out for 3 weeks already.

look at it this way Space Chimps you made way more money than all those movies that never got released because they never got past the written stage! that's something right?!

personally i'm looking forward to the sequal, that finishes in 9th at the box office and that even i won't see, because they'll probably release it during Spiderman 4's opening weekend.

Man Dresses as Simon Cowell...Sort Of

[July 16] "Calvin Morett, the 19-year-old from Saratoga Springs, N.Y., who dressed as a 6-foot-tall penis at his high school graduation, publicly apologized for the stunt. The apology was part of the judge's sentence after Morett pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct." ( via weirdnews.about.com)

i'm guessing this guy didn't have to dress up like a giant penis for everyone to know that he was one already.

i think we, as a people, need to stop this guy from having children. there's no kid in the world who deserves to grow up hearing about his dad dressing up like a giant genital for his high school graduation. it just has 'therapy' written all over it.

"I feel him all over you too Thelma"

this preacher really feels the holy spirit, and perhaps the effects of slight Tourettes.



i would love to see this guy order at a fast food place.

"i'd like a Whopper, WITH CHEESE!!!! a small coke AND FRENCH FRIES!!!!! i love burger king, GOD!!!!!!!!!!"

Let Dr. Crocker Heal The Pain

move over Dr. Phil. Chris Crocker has found the cure for depression and reaches a new level of disturbed in the process.

this clip may be over a year old, but i think advice like this is, well, timeless.

My Return

hello everyone i'm back, finally. i can't say that i had a really exciting time and i sure didn't get a tan...in Ohio. but i guess it was sort of nice to get a break from the norm.

no cable tv forced me to watching the only channel on grandma's tv that comes in clear, PBS. so i often found myself watching things like this



you should all be proud that i didn't stab myself in the eye with one of grandma's forks she probably bought sometime before 1958.

other than hours of PBS some other things i did include the following.

- i listened to a 30 minute conversation about trees...don't ask

- while i watched one of my relatives cats lick it's private area i had an epiphany about life

- found me and an 85 year old woman disagree on whether or not 8:30 is late at night or not

- i questioned the The Man In The Yellow Hat's monkey caretaking skills (he let Curious George build a tree house...yeah, that's smart)

- i listened to some where in the area of 750 of just over 800 hundred songs i have on my mp3 player...ahh, boredom

- i saw Mr. Rogers play miniature golf, you don't know how hilarious that truly was


anyway, my trip was...a trip. i'm glad to be back.

i'm excited about The Who Rock Honors on Vh1 tomorrow. should be awesome. until tomorrow listen to a classic Who song. until next time and...who are you?!

When We Vacation, We Vacation

after today i will be gone for two weeks on what i suppose my family calls a "vacation". we will be going to sunny, extravagant...Ohio? yeah.

a lot of people go to the beach or a ski resort for vacation. me and my family go to Ohio, the state that only matters during the presidential elections or when some crazy guy is shooting people on Ohio highways.

what do we do? we sit in my grandmother's house and do nothing. she has no cable tv, and just got air conditioning last year...maybe by 2020 she'll get a microwave! i can only hope...

other than sitting in her house wearing out our vocal cords trying to get a woman (who must be in some sort of protest against hearing aids) to hear half of the things we say, i don't know what we'll do...maybe we'll get into a heated debate again with Drew Carey as to whether Cleveland does or does not rock. Lord knows, last year that didn't end well. again sorry, Drew Carey, we didn't know grandma had a shiv on her.

the only great thing about my vacations to Ohio is my music. i spend hours listening to my favorite tunes. without it i might end up being the next crazy guy killing people on Ohio highways.

in fact, i think i'd like to leave you with a tune i've been listening to quite a bit lately. Wonderboy by Tenacious D. Rock on and enjoy.