"They're Out There Man"

a smart young man, who i'm sure has never done drugs in his life, gives his opinion of UFO's.



"right, there is no proof. but there's no proof of Jesus or you know, people going to the restroom until they tell you about it."

"they could be made of water"

i feel so good about the future of this country.

Why Yes, I am an Optimistic Person!

This is what happens when you have a bad day, some free time, and a youtube account.

Changes....Dear Changes

hello all, maybe you noticed i made some changes to my blog recently (the name, address url, etc.) but i like it now and won't (most likely) be making anymore changes anytime soon.

sorry to my 1 subscriber who i think i lost due to the changes. i'm sure their life is now shattered. if we ever cross paths again, i promise i'll pay for all the therapy.

What Can Google Images Do For You?

i just spent a considerable amount of my life looking at monkey pictures on Google Images....and it was worth it.



is it sad that i looked through 9 pages of monkey pictures just because i wanted to? and that i spent close to 15 minutes on just that? maybe, but i have no regrets. i giggled like a schoolgirl on every page.

until next time my primate picture enthusiasts.

Shaq + Microphone = The Greatest Rapper of All Time

apparently shaq had something to say to his old teammate Kobe Bryant about him losing the NBA Finals...and also mentions his, i'm sure, massive buttocks numerous times in the process.



ok, so his freestyle rapping isn't the greatest or the most gangsta or even really that smart, but don't worry about him he's still got street cred left over from the movie "Kazaam".



and also all the serious rap respect i'm sure he gained from appearing in this commercial where he is riding perhaps the strongest horse that ever lived.



so don't worry people Shaq doesn't have to spit fire every time he touches the mic, all he has to do is live off his previous work that has gained him much respect on the streets as a serious rapper.

i'm sure Shaq will go down with Tupac and Snoop Dogg as one of the greatest of all time.

word.

until next time my 300 pound basketball player turned rapper freestyle fans.

My To Do List

my to do list for today:

-go to trial, blame everything on Colonel Mustard in the Library with the candlestick

-hope there is actually a guy out there named Mustard, who is a Colonel...and has a history of killing people with candlesticks

-google my name, then cry

-involuntarily listen to Bubbly by Colbie Caillat for the 10 millionth time

-murder whoever decided to put I Love New York and Flavor of Love on the air instead of music on VH1

-wipe blood from knife

-again blame Colonel Mustard, that poor man

-check my facebook

-find Waldo, and kick him in the face

-sign up for anger management classes


and that's just on a normal day, you don't wanna know what i do on holidays.

until next time friends.

Future Presidential Advice

i thought i would help whoever the future president of America will be by showing some things that they should and shouldn't do when they are elected, based on President Bush's time in office.

DO NOT give yourself nicknames like "The Decider". look if a regular guy like me can't call himself "The Pleasure Vessel" and get away with it, you can't call yourself that and expect us to just accept it.

DO take speech classes. it matters how good you sound. you're going to be talking at presidential speeches at the White House, not at your high school's pep rally.
"fool Jefferson High once shame on us, fool Jefferson High twice...well, you're not gonna fool us again."

DO NOT dance...ever. you're the President in Washington D.C. not doing a one-man show in Vegas. you should remind us of Abraham Lincoln, not Wayne Newton.

DO help people in flooded areas. because people can't live underwater. they don't have any fish parts, even if you may think so.
"hehe, it's ok, they've got gills."

DO NOT start an unpopular war...even if you really really super want to real bad.


well hopefully that will help when the new president is elected and in office. but i'm sure Obama/Mccain will find a whole new set of ways to screw over the American people.

ugh, until next time people.

The Weather Channel

I was watching The Weather Channel today(or as i think it should be called "The Holy Crap We're All Gonna Die Channel!")

I can barely watch The Weather Channel now. it's too scary and depressing. look, i know there's massive flooding in the midwest, earthquakes in the west, and hurricanes in the southeast, not to mention tornadoes in various areas, but uh, can't you tell me about that one 2-mile patch of sun in Utah where everything is ok and they're just happy and listening to Reggae music? because that doesn't make me pee my pants.

although, i appreciate that they show what time it is often on The Weather Channel. that way you'll know exactly what time it is when the world ends. you won't have to guess or anything!

seriously, though this channel has gotten very depressing and disturbing. i literally have to turn to Animal Planet and watch a wildebeest get it's head ripped off by a cheetah just get my mood up. if it gets any worse it may eclipse Lifetime as the most frightening channel on tv...(Golden Girls and The Nanny? yikes!)

maybe i should just turn the channel and stick with Spongebob Squarepants. he rarely touches on apocalyptic weather conditions. rarely.

but i can tell you this much i'm never spending money on Exlax again! i'll just watch 5 minutes of The Weather Channel from now on. why spend money when i've already got something that always makes me crap my pants for free?

until next time my friends.

When Will This Be Over Again? '08

something that's always in the news lately(and by lately i mean the past year and a half)is the presidential election race. it's not really a race, if it were it would be the longest most torturous race ever. now horse racing that's a race. in fact i think we should give each of the candidates names like they give the horses.

"Pants Suits Galore coming up in the polls, with a strong lead but oh, I'm Not Muslim You Idiots is coming on strong, and has now taken the lead. But wait here comes I Swear I'm Nothing Like George Bush, it's now I'm Not Muslim You Idiots and I Swear I'm Nothing Like George Bush running side by side to the finish line!"

how early the news media started covering the election was just ridiculous, they started talking about it like 1 and a half ago. and still today they act like we're voting tomorrow. it's like a special ed kid that gets really excited about Christmas way before Christmas is even close to happening.

"Yay! it's almost Christmas!"
"Timmy, it's June."

honestly at this point i'm just sick of having to hear about. i mean i care about who's president...well, i did 5 months ago. now i really don't care who is president i just want it to be over!

if Carrot Top was elected president all i'd have to say is, "Thank God that's over with."

hopefully next time the news won't cover the election so early and for so long.
or maybe i'll get hit by a bus before then...we can only dream, right?

until next time.

Night of The Lepus AKA The Best Movie Ever

I recently stumbled upon a movie that everyone should know about and take the time to watch. it's called "Night of the Lepus". it's a giant flesh-eating killer bunny movie. i know, all of those words fill me with excitement too.

it's from the 70's, so that makes it even more awesome. here's a clip that demonstrates how great the special effects are and how frightening this movie really is.


what i would like to know is who came up with killer bunnies and why? were killer puppies just not scary enough?

"we have to come up with something really frightening...how about giant killer kittens!"
"no, that's not scary enough...how about giant killer bunnies!"
"jackpot! who wouldn't be scared by that?!"

what's next? killer gerbils? perhaps flesh eating penguins?

ah, hollywood, you know us well. you have your finger on the pulse of american nightmares. how did you know i have had several giant killer bunny dreams over the years? all of which i woke up kicking and sreaming, in a cold sweat afterwards. it's like you read it right out of my diary.

I haven't seen this movie yet, but i'm dying to. i feel like i haven't truly lived yet, you can't without witnessing a man eating bunnies movie....you just can't. not when you know it actually exists.

i already know it's great, how could a movie like this not be awesome? when i do finally see it, perhaps i'll let you know if it truly is everything i hoped it to be.

until next time my friends and fellow poorly done 70's horror movie fans...until next time.

The Beginning of The End of The Cyber World

hello, this is my blog where i will share my opinions on current events and most likely random musings no one will really care about. but knowing how bored i usually am on the internet, i'm sure quite a few will read those musings anyway.

obviously if someone like me has his own blog then the internet is soon to meet it's demise. it will be missed. but hopefully it won't meet it's doom before i give my opinions on the election, the evil dictator that is Oprah, and what TV is like at 3 in the morning.

well that's about all i have to say for now.

until next time my bottom dwelling internet blog readers!