My News Rundown

surprisingly, these are all real news headlines from the previous 7 days or so (including some from today)


"Mom arrested for letting 12-year-old daughter drive her to a bar"

in her defense, she was way too high on cocaine to safely drive to a bar. she was doing the responsible thing. who else but her 12 year old daughter was supposed to drive her there? sure, there was her gang leader, but he has things to do.

"Police officer faces 30 days in jail for pulling over a woman to give her his phone number"

Ma'am, do you know how fast you were driving through my heart?

"Police bust noisy preschool party"

an eye witness reports seeing one preschooler yell "it's the cops!" followed by most of the party goers fleeing on their tricycles.

"College Presidents call for lower drinking age"

college students call "woohooo!" and pass out.